i feel this pain of letting go

I FEEL THIS PAIN OF LETTING GO.

( way back 3yrs ago... )

The hardest thing in life is letting go. Even though, it hurts so much, like each time a tear flows down your cheek is like scorching wound that drips from your eyes, you still want that person you love, even if he is slowly killing you.

The worst thing after a tragic break up is that you want to prove to yourself that you hate him, but in reality deep in your heart, you love him and can’t love another like you gave him. The disappointing thing is when you try to move on and you thought you did, but the results don’t pay off with the best that you gave. And you realize, that you’re still bothered, you’re still attached, you’re still thinking of him... damn! I hate realizations... it sucks the strength left in you. It makes you crawl deep into your skin and left nothing but self-pity. You breakdown, you cry silently, breathe deeply and make sure no one sees your frustrations. You hide in your room helpless. You try to lock your doors and wipe all those tears, but still in your heart bleeds and no matter how you coach yourself to stop crying, the pain won’t go away.

Denial comes in; you say to your friends, “it’s nothing! Let him move on. Give him his chance to be with somebody else” or you try mocking him with his mistakes again. But even a millionth time you said things like that, you still wish that it’ll be him who will hold you forever, comfort you and be the girl he’ll make her happy and be in love with. Even with his shortcomings, still you patch up and imagine of making up again. You reminisce again how you took care of him, and how you took everything so easy, and remembered how you sacrifice other things just to be with him, because you loved him more than anything in this world, and you just wanted him to be happy and be pleased with you.

You try to recall what you did wrong, but just couldn’t find any reason. You gave everything but didn’t receive anything. You were fooled again and again... but you reason out that things will work out! Because you can never imagine your life without him!

You made him your world. Your time was only he and he was your priority. You try bringing out the best in him, but he just won’t play his part. You tried everything, but still nothing.

Many people said, “He’s not good for you, just a waste of time!” but your heart becomes deaf and still fights for the love you feel for him. And you try to let go, and risk your life in healing, that seems nothing can make the pain go away. Your heart fails and aches, and breaks into million pieces... and you cry one more time. You pick each piece to make it whole, and the broken stings and you bleed again. You cry and break down again... and again... and again.

And you came out, smiling and grinning. But your eyes are the windows of your soul, and the soul is shattered, your eyes shows the sadness then weakness unfolds once again. This seems unending... so I have to cry once again... ‘till my heart forgets the pain and misery of thought to be forever love.